


Paranoia [Rewrite]

by driftingashes



Series: I Think I Made You Up (Inside My Head) [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Heterochromia, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Broken Bones, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Former Dark Side Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Gen, Heterochromia, Kidnapping, Non-Consensual Touching, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rewrite, Sleep | Remy Sanders Has Heterochromia, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Tags Contain Spoilers, Torture, Winged Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Winged Sides (Sanders Sides), you can pry that headcanon from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:27:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27254941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driftingashes/pseuds/driftingashes
Summary: “I...don’t want to ruin anything,” he mumbled. “You all were so happy, and all you’ve ever said about the Others is that they were bad, they were wrong, that we had to stay away from them, but I...I don’t know, I just don’t want you to think that we-that they’re bad, because I know what it’s like down there and you must have at least suspected something-” he paused, gesturing at Logan and Patton. “Since you’re the ones who found me. And you brought me back, and you made me feel accepted and loved, and...I knew that someday, somehow, I was gonna mess everything up. Because...I...I used to be a dark side, and I’ve...done some pretty terrible things.”
Relationships: Platonic LAMP/CALM
Series: I Think I Made You Up (Inside My Head) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542640
Comments: 42
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm struggling a bit rewriting this. A fair amount of this is already pretty usable, but I'm also trying to change the way I portrayed Virgil in the original version of this. He was by no means an 'uwu soft baby' or any of that, but it was a bit too far from Virgil's canonical personality that I got stuck trying to write the second part of the series, since I only just recently came back to "Paranoia" and tried to pick up where I left off in 2019.
> 
> I hope I did a better job this go around, although I admit that his personality pre-Accepting Anxiety didn't quite come through as strong in this fic as I would like it to. But I'm satisfied with how this ended up, and he's enough of an asshole that I think it's a bit more in character. But I also am trying to keep in mind while writing this that Virgil was abused in this AU, and he's going to react to things in a way that is VERY out of character compared to his canon attitude.
> 
> But that's also another thing that could tie in - he was abused, so he put up walls and started acting like a dick as a defense mechanism. It happens. Some people are scared of their own shadows, some want to fight the world. It varies from person to person. (I really hope that didn't sound like I'm being flippant or dismissive about the subject of abuse, that's not what I'm trying to say.)
> 
> ~Ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I'll use the chapter summary to explain myself: the original version of "Paranoia" placed Janus and Remus as the villains. I have decided to change that, because it was throwing off everything I wanted to write for the next part of the series.
> 
> Even though "Paranoia" was never supposed to be a legit series, my dumb ass decided to look this over in late 2019, and I decided to rewrite it, but 2020 me was then struck by inspiration for a second book, but the idea required Janus and Remus to be sympathetic characters. Also, I am NOT feeling unsympathetic Dark Sides this month.
> 
> So, I introduced yet another OC since Falcon was one of the bad guys who I made up for the second bit. Or actually, I've used him as a villain in multiple universes now.
> 
> I'm just really hoping this will be coherent by the time I get through with it. Thanks for reading!
> 
> ~Ash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW // being locked in a cage, implied abuse
> 
> I know the original story was a huge one shot, but since I'm editing this in chunks where the story had natural little gaps, I decided to post them one at a time so that you guys could have bits and pieces to read while I worked at fixing up more of it. The major editing in mostly in the later and final parts of the story.
> 
> For now, I hope you enjoy this little snippets and I should have the next one or two out in less than an hour if all goes to plan, since they only need the bare minimum of editing.
> 
> ~Ash

It was no secret that the Dark Sides (Virgil preferred the term ‘others,’ when in reference to himself, Jan, and Remus, but what did _he_ know? Not like he _lived_ with them or anything.) were rather unjustly cruel sometimes. Or, at least, Virgil _thought_ that was obvious.

Apparently he was wrong, because the Light Sides seemed pretty horrified at the condition they found him in. Even if he was much better off than he usually was. He was lucky to not be bleeding and half dead. (He got the feeling that telling them that wouldn’t make them feel any better.)

One moment of peace, that’s all he asked for. Evidently, that was too much. Devland had risen up within seconds of his door closing, sitting down immediately on the edge of Virgil's bed, making himself at home like he wasn’t intruding on one of the few safe places Virgil had left. Like he wasn’t there to completely break him.

“You’re one of us, Anxiety, nothing you do is ever going to change that,” he taunted, slipping down onto the floor as Virgil slowly turned to face him. He smirked, rising to his feet, and Virgil bared his teeth threateningly at the other Side, though his wings betrayed his fear, folding tight to his back.

“I’ll prove you wrong someday. I know how to get to the Light mindscape just as well as you do,” he hissed, because he was stupid, almost smirking at the anger that flashed across Devland’s face. It only took the other Side a moment to compose himself.

“I’d like to see you try,” he retaliated, but his tone was wavering, unsure of himself now.

“Fucking watch me,” Virgil growled, because apparently now he was stupid _and_ suicidal. Devland’s eyes lit up in anger, and he grabbed Virgil roughly by the arm, dragging him from the room despite his protests and frantic apologies. He was slammed into a small metal cage, the door locking behind him with an echoing click.

“Spend a night locked in here, and we’ll see how you feel about this in a few days, after you’ve been put back in your place,” Devland snarled. “I’ll try to remember to feed you sometime tomorrow morning. If you're lucky.” He stalked off without another word, and Virgil sighed, curling into the corner. He was in for a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW // being locked in a cage, self deprecation, Virgil thinks he’s weak for showing emotion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, yes, but it also required almost 0 edits, which I thank heck for, because some of the later scenes are going to need some HEAVY modifications and additional scenes.
> 
> ~Ash

They found him by accident, judging by the shocked cry that tore him from his uneasy sleep. He’d just managed to drift off when there was a rattle at the bars of his small prison, and a little sharp inhale from someone just beyond the border, followed by a yelp from someone else farther away. He jolted to his feet, hands flying up to protect his face, lightning crackling along his palms. His wings snapped to his back, disappearing from sight with a flicker of his thoughts.

“Whoa there, kiddo, easy,” one of the two blurry figures cautioned, hands raised defensively. There was a rustle, and a bit of movement just beyond where the lantern’s weak glow reached, and then two Sides stepped forward into the dim light, their silhouettes sharpening, and Virgil finally got a good look at them. One in a blue shirt and jeans, a cardigan slung haphazardly around his waist, pale blue wings sprouting from his back. Eastern Bluebird, if Virgil had to take a guess.

The other was dressed more like a college professor Thomas had once had, in a black polo and blue tie, dark indigo wings blending in with the dancing shadows. Bunting, judging by the muted hue and the way they shimmered even in the poor lighting.

The Sides both wore identical black-framed glasses, though the one with the cardigan seemed to have forgotten their presence, allowing them to slip down his face.

The two Sides glanced at each other, the one with the cardigan looking pleadingly at the one in the tie, who merely shrugged and nodded back towards Virgil, adjusting his glasses. The one in blue grinned. “If you want,” he started hesitantly, “we know a way to get you out. You can come with us to our mindscape.”

The other interjected before his friend could continue. “I was told that conditions down here were bad, but I had no idea things had escalated this quickly. I apologize for not coming sooner.”

He knew the Light Sides, he wasn’t fucking stupid, but...Morality and Logic, two of the most feared Sides across the line of the mindscape borders, coming here and breaking him out? It seemed a bit far fetched even to him, and he’d seen some shit. But he couldn’t help but perk up a bit. “I’m getting out of here?” Virgil’s voice sounded small even to himself, and he twisted his mouth into a grimace at the display of weakness. He shrank back against the bars of the cage, still sure that this was all one big joke, stamping down _hard_ on the urge to apologize.

Logic spoke up again, adjusting his tie as he did. “If you want to come with us, yes,” he explained.

“You’re lying…” Virgil hissed suspiciously, but he inched forward just a bit, unable to quite supress the little bit of hope fluttering in his chest. He shook his hair into his eyes with a quick flip of his head as the light started to catch him a bit more, hiding his discolored eye behind the curtain of purple. It was too dark for them to see, but one could never be too careful.

“I could never lie to you, kiddo,” Morality whispered. “I don’t like lying to people unless it’s necessary.”

Virgil only had to think it over for a moment. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I even bothering to try to rewrite this? I'm tired and I should have just deleted the story. Oh boy. Too late to back out now, I hate giving up on a project this big.
> 
> ~Ash


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW // brief non descriptive panic, allusions to Virgil’s time with his abusers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original version of this scene was much shorter, and Roman immediately reacted badly to Virgil. But...I tweaked it a bit and had them get along.
> 
> ~Ash

Meeting the lighter Creativity was a terrifying experience, to say the least. Virgil had slammed into him rounding a corner, and subsequently nearly bowled both Morality and Logic over trying to scramble away, immediately thinking that Remus had yet again disguised himself, but he’d come to his senses with a few whispered reassurances from Morality.

In his panic, he’d forgotten that the creative Sides were twins. Where Remus’s wings were the dark grey and green of a Guinea Turaco, his brother’s were the distinct bright crimson of a Northern Cardinal, much brighter than Remus’s and impossible to miss.

"Greetings! My name is Roman, I'm Thomas's Creativity. And you are...?"

He waved jerkily, automatically throwing up his usual cavaliar mask. “Anxiety.”

“Anxiety,” the creative Side repeated curiously, cocking his head. "Well, Anxiety, are you alright?" That was...unexpected. Why would Roman care about the welfare of someone he'd met not two minutes prior?

Virgil nodded, realizing he hadn't actually answered the question. Roman immediately bounced on his toes, grinning. "Good, I would hate to have hurt you. Now, I must be off. it was excellent meeting you, Anxiety, may our paths cross again soon!"

Virgil started after him, utterly lost, watching as he bounded off down the hall, singing to himself and twirling a pencil in his left hand.

“Sorry about that, kiddo, Roman can be a bit enthusiastic. Oh! We forgot to introduce ourselves!” Morality yelped. “I’m Morality, but you can call me Patton! Or dad, I don’t mind either way!” He beamed over at Anxiety, who just nodded, hiding his smile behind clearing his throat. Patton’s enthusiasm was contagious. Roman was quickly forgotten.

Logic introduced himself as Logan and proceeded to spend the next fifteen minutes sitting at the kitchen counter, rambling under his breath about the stars, a conversation which Virgil shamelessly eavesdropped upon, to Logan’s delight.

They spent that night on the roof of the mind palace, watching the stars and tracing constellations with their fingers, falling asleep bathed in the golden light of the first dawn Virgil had seen since he’d manifested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus. Is. Still. Sympathetic. He just scared Virgil a lot as a joke and Virgil sort of automatically started watching his back. My friends do that all the time.
> 
> Heck, I flinch when my dad walks behind me anymore because of him poking my back or neck or jabbing me in the side when he goes by. It’s like a playful thing.
> 
> ~Ash


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW // brief yelling, distrust, crying, heavily implied physical abuse, manipulation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one only needed a change of names to allow to Devland instead of Janus, but other than that, I didn’t post this last night because I fell asleep talking to my partners.
> 
> ~Ash

Virgil crept down from the roof at around noon the next day, shaking out his wings and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Grabbing his old hoodie from where it was draped across Logan’s desk chair, he ambled slowly towards the kitchen.

He inspected the walls and rooms as he went by, peering around doorframes and quickly looking away when he saw a bedroom. Everything matched perfectly, but it was definitely not Thomas's apartment. Even if he had nver seen his Host face-to-face, or the apartment he lived in, he knew that Thomas didn't have anything like the contents of some of the rooms he passed.

He paused just outside the door of the kitchen at the jumble of voices coming from inside. It seemed Logan had beat him down. “-and Anxiety was clearly unable to fight back. You and I both know exactly how much your brother is capable of, and-”

“Don’t ever mention him to me again,” Roman snarled, cutting the logical Side off mid-sentence. Virgil hesitantly peeked around the corner at them, hoping to sneak past unnoticed. Roman’s wings were flared out behind him angrily, and Logan had his hands held up placatingly. He pulled back, carefully, slowly. It would be near impossible for him to get around the Light Sides without drawing attention to himself.

There was an exasperated sigh, no doubt from Logan. “Roman, just because he is different doesn't mean that you can outright pretend he does not exist. Regardless of what he has done, he is still a part of Thomas. And as for Anxiety, you saw his reaction to seeing you! It’s undeniable that he has undergone some extreme form of trauma, and we cannot ignore-” he tried to say, but he was swiftly interrupted again.

Virgil sort of felt bad for the Side, never able to quite complete a thought before someone else was shoving their way in. He knew firsthand how much it hurt to be constantly silenced and ignored.

“You're trying to make it out like I don't trust him!” Roman snapped. "I'm saying that we don't know what he's capable of!" Virgil clapped a hand over his mouth, backing away from the kitchen, tears burning in his eyes. He knew it. He was so _fucking_ stupid. He’d allowed himself to hope, and it had turned out to be just the same, all one vicious cycle of pain and regret. He’d been naïve, and it was going to cost him everything.

He’d darted back to his room before he had really registered his decision to do so.

The door swung shut behind him. “I won’t say I told you so....” a voice sang from behind him, smug and infuriating.

“Get out.”

“Now, now, Anxiety, is that any way to greet an old friend?” Devland said chidingly. Virgil hated the way his body instinctively curled in on itself, ready for whatever punishment he was undoubtedly about to receive.

Devland chuckled. “So glad you’re still my little pet, Anxiety, I’d begun to fear you’d forgotten your training. Such a good kitten.”

Everything after that was a blur of instinctual motion, blindingly bright light, and the distinct sound of someone screaming.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW // physical abuse, bruises, brief panic, overthinking

He woke up the next morning with a blank spot in his memory and a deep ache in both his wings. Purple bruises spiraled up his sides and across his back, but he did his best to ignore them, knowing they’d eventually fade. Devland must have paid him a visit. He just hoped Falcon hadn’t been invited to join in. First priority is breakfast, he decided when his stomach voiced its protest.

“Hiya, kiddo!” Patton chirped, waving as he entered the kitchen. He had batter on the end of his nose.

“Hey,” Virgil mumbled. “Making cookies?”

“Yep!” Patton replied cheerfully.

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “What’s the occasion?” he asked curiously, immediately wishing he could take it back. What if Patton thought he was talking too much? Or being too annoying? What if-

“Oh, no reason, really,” Patton replied before he could spiral too far. “Just felt like making cookies, that’s all. Never need an excuse to make those, right? You wanna help me mix this?”

Virgil was too shocked to refuse. “I...sure, I guess. What do I do?”

By the time they were done mixing everything into the batter, they’d eaten more of it than either would care to admit, and Patton had a lump of it stuck on the frame of his glasses as well as the dollop on his nose. Virgil couldn’t help but smirk behind his hand at the sight.

“Thanks for the help, kiddo,” Patton remarked, ruffling his hair affectionately.

“Anytime,” he murmured. Patton’s eyes lit up and he grinned, skipping back into the kitchen, leaving Virgil standing alone in the hallway, staring affectionately after him.


	6. Chapter 6

Even though he knew they were doing a video, Thomas’ reminder caught him off guard, and he went back to his room with his hoodie still half off his shoulder where he’d been trying to wrestle out of it just before Thomas summoned him to tell him they had ten minutes. No time for a nap, then.

Devland showed up five minutes before filming was scheduled to begin, just to remind him that he and Falcon were watching, and Virgil couldn’t focus the entire video, unable to shake the ghost of Devland’s iron grip on his shoulder and his breath on his ear as he whispered his little veiled threats. He retreated to his room as soon as he could get away with it, not even staying to listen from the sidelines as Thomas completed his outro and shut down the camera.

“Anxiety?” Logan asked, peering around the door. “Are you in here?”

“What do you want?” he snapped, a bit harsher than he’d meant. “Ah, sorry,” he said, tone softening.

“I merely wanted to check up on you and make sure you were feeling better. You seemed rather distracted and, ah, anxious, during the video earlier.”

“Just...tired, I guess,” Virgil deflected, looking back down at his phone.

“I see…I will take my leave then.” Logan didn’t sound convinced, but he dropped the subject, turning to retreat down the hallway. “Please get some rest, it is very important to both you and Thomas,” he added over his shoulder. Virgil raised his head to stare after him, longing to call out and stop him, to spend time with someone, if only to ward away Devland for at least a little while. But he couldn’t do that, not now that he’d gotten to know them. He couldn’t do that to Logan. What if Devland showed up anyway and revealed his secret? He didn't want to take the chance.

And he watched Logan disappear.


	7. Chapter 7

“What if Thomas gets hit by a car trying to get there?” Virgil insisted frantically, trying to calm his racing heart. Wiping his sweaty palms in his jeans, he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. None of the others seemed to notice. They’d been arguing for almost an hour now, and they were no closer to a decision than when they’d started.

Roman scoffed. “Don’t be such a downer, Anxiety.”

“Sorry for doing my job,” Virgil snapped, curling his lip at the creative Side. “I can’t help my nature, Princey. At least I’m getting something done.” Roman rolled his eyes, turning away, but Virgil didn’t miss the pain that flashed across his face. “Sorry,” he mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets. “That was a bit far. I didn’t mean that.”

Roman narrowed his eyes at him, but groaned and turned back to face the group. “It’s fine.”

_No. No, it’s really not._

But he didn’t say anything, just went silent and shrunk back, letting the others do the talking. And when they finally decided that they would go to the event with Joan, he sunk out without a word, hoping no one would follow him.

He collapsed onto his bed and locked the door with a wave of his hand. The others could wait. Thomas had already made a decision, and they hadn’t needed him there for that. Anything else Thomas needed could be solved just as easily by Patton or Logan or Roman.

They didn’t need him. Didn’t need _anxiety_.

And of course they didn't why would they? He was unnecessary, a _burden_ , holding Thomas back from what he wanted to do.

His room closed off without a sound, the familiar nothingness pressing in around him, his connection to Thomas slowly fading away. Virgil smiled.

_Go chase your dreams, Thomas._


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Anxiety!” Roman yelped, flinching away from him as he popped into existence directly beside him, rubbing his eyes. “Warn a dude next time, goodness.”
> 
> “Sorry, I was summoned. I can’t choose where I come up when that happens,” he grumbled, curling his lip at Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure about this one, but we'll see how it goes over with y'all, I suppose. Might change some things around, but it won't be any major rewrites, so it won't affect comprehension of future chapters if you read this version and I come back and change up some things. Just so everyone knows.
> 
> ~Ash

The familiar tug of a summoning jolted Virgil out of his haze. How long had it been since the video ended? There was another tug, this time from a slightly different energy (another Side summoning him? What were they doing?) before it faded again. Virgil closed his eyes and sank back into his semi-conscious daze, but a forceful jerk brought him back again, and he hissed, pulling his jacket over his shoulders.

He would go see what they wanted, and make sure that they stopped bothering him. Did they not see how much better off Thomas was without him? Answering the third summon, he allowed himself to appear...in the mindscape? Must not have been Thomas trying to get his attention, then, he would have appeared in the physical world and not by the couch in the mind palace.

“Anxiety!” Roman yelped, flinching away from him as he popped into existence directly beside him, rubbing his eyes. “Warn a dude next time, goodness.”

“Sorry, I was summoned. I can’t choose where I come up when that happens,” he grumbled, curling his lip at Roman. After a moment’s thought, he amended, “unless we’re in a video, but our energy is tied to those spots since that’s where Thomas put us when it was just him in costumes, we can’t rise up anywhere else unless we’re consciously making an effort to. That’s also why we can’t interact with each other physically unless the camera is off, regardless of whether or not it’s directly facing one of us at any given time.”

“Oh, is that why?” Logan asked, rising up on Roman’s other side, rubbing the back of his head as if it pained him.

“From what I’ve noticed based off the energy radiating from those areas, and our inability to either physically interact or rise up in a different area when there is a camera running in the same room, yes,” Virgil said, tucking his phone into his back pocket. “Is there a particular reason why we’ve all been summoned at the same time, or can I go back to my room and let you guys sort everything out for Thomas?”

“Don’t go _yet_ ,” Patton replied from behind them. Virgil flinched, spinning on his heel to face him. "I...I think we need to talk about something, kiddo."

"Uh...o..okay? What happened?"

Patton hesitated, and Logan picked up the conversation smoothly, sending Virgil a small reassuring half smile that did absolutely nothing to calm the rising fear bubbling in Virgil's chest. "We believe that you...leaving, triggered something in Thomas. That is, he was acting recklessly and refused to see the errors in his behaviour. We had virtually no influence over him. We could tell that you had enclosed yourself in the subconscious mind. Why were you down there?"

Virgil flinched. "I thought I would be helping Thomas. If he wasn't so anxious, he'd be able to do more. Live a happier life," he mumbled, breaking eye contact with Logan and staring resolutely at his hands, entwined firmly in his lap. "I didn't want to hurt him." His voice came out bitter, harsher than he meant, but he made no move to apologize. He didn't owe them an explanation.

"Is this something you would rather not discuss currently? You look extremely uncomfortable," Logan said after a moment, and when Virgil looked up, the logical side was glancing between him and Patton, raising an eyebrow in warning as Morality opened his mouth to speak again.

Virgil nodded. "Can we just...come back to this later? I need a nap," Virgil sighed. "It's not important anyways."

"Just...one more thing," Roman said. "Please."

Virgil glared at him. "Make it fast, Princey, I'm tired."

Roman nodded and then, hesitantly, reached over to take Virgil's hand in his. "You make us better, Anxiety."

He withdrew, leaving Virgil aching for the warmth of his touch, and then before Virgil could even say a word, Roman had sunk out. Logan followed, leaving just Virgil and Patton alone in the commons.

Virgil rose, mouth opening and closing a few times, before he blinked and shook his head. "I'm going back to my room," he muttered.

He left before Patton could say a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone leaving comments and kudos on this, it really motivates me to keep writing!!
> 
> And huge thank you also to the people commenting on some of my older works, literally it means so much to me and actually has reminded me of some fics that I had updated/had something jn the works for and never actually got around to having it finished/posted.
> 
> ~Ash


End file.
